Ignore that damn emoticon. I can't get it to change and I'm not in a 'humor' mood.

I need to tell you all what's been going on, why I haven't updated anything and the real reason behind removing 'Memories'.

First, The whole year I worked on Memories proved to be a year from hell for the most part, moving, losing a good friend to a preventable death, my uncle was diagnosed with colon cancer, and then the final problem tore into my life. Christmas night, after opening only two presents and not even being able to give anything to my parents, I came down with a flu from the devil himself. I was sick all night, then when it seemed to be getting better, I got sick again and was tormented by nightmares. I mean I actually woke up crying and trying to scream, they were so bad. For some reason after that, every time I read Memories I would go into a panic attack, the dreams coming back to me (even now as I write about it, I'm shaking.) To this day things can trigger hard flashbacks to that flu and the feeling of pure helplessness that it brought. I guess because it resembled what I was writing, I couldn't go through with Memories anymore.

Things didn't get much easier this year. Mom had back surgery with reminded me of a 8 hour surgery she had when I was 13 or 14, and it's like I locked up inside. I have ideas but when I go to write them down, I feel like it's not good enough, or people will think it's 'stupid'. Strange I know, given the kind words and reviews you all have posted. (plus I should write for myself and myself alone). Also, since my friend's death, I feel terrified inside, like 'what if I don't live past 30?' or 'once I get a job or write my own stories I'll never be able to write fanfiction again.' (Mom refers to it as "stinkin' thinkin'"
I have had nothing but nightmares every night for the past month, and it's tearing me apart. One minute I'm all ready to write, I get the major parts done, then it's 'total brain shut down' time and I can't write the details needed to make the story.

I've also been searching around for an online college and a job I can do at home. I found it, but now I've got to get the things set up to start school (like a grant or scholarship)

I am looking to get help too, because the meds I take that normally kept my mind from 'racing' with these thoughts have stopped working. I even get overwhelmed over the amount of pictures I want to print out, I go back to that 'running out of time' frame of mind and I hate it.

So, that's it. That's what's been clouding my mind all this time and well, nearly killing my health.

~WS